Get off my blacktop


Apologies for infrequent posting — that’s just going to be the way it is for the foreseeable future. Anyway…

Got to kill some time in an alley or off the-beaten-path corner of the city? Here, let me brainstorm some ideas for you gleaned from my keen powers of observation:

Not just for annoying fellow Metro riders anymore: Feel free to listen to tinny music on your cell phone. You can also practice your terrible rap lyrics. No one’s listening to your embarrassing prose, my man! Make sure you rhyme gun with fun.

Throw rocks at your friends: God knows why one would think a front lawn is good place to fill with pebbles, but it’s a more common move than you think. And in addition to cutting out lawn care (besides  occasional weeds poisoning), you perform a public service for all the little rock throwers out there.

Go ahead, have a drink: The liquor store sells two-packs of 24 oz. Icehouse cans expressly for that purpose. It’s 11 a.m. on a Tuesday. Drink up! And after you’ve had a couple, feel free to …

…take a leak: No one’s watching, anyway. But if you feel a tinkle from skyward, it’s me spraying you with a garden hose.

Set off roman candles: Just go ahead and shoot them off, then throw them in people’s yards. Not just for July anymore.

Rip through at 30 mph while honking: See here for more details. Extra points for backing up in a van that makes a beeping sound or flooring it in a garbage truck before 8 a.m.

Shoot craps: I’d have something snarky to say here, but actually, I have no problem with this.

Croon old soul music: Ditto. Something about the alley’s reverberation actually make this quite pleasurable.

Blast old-school go-go music: If in the right mood, another ditto.

Blast Gucci Mane: Because the only thing better than being awakened at 5 in the morning by the paper guy is getting awakened at 5 in the morning by the paper guy’s music selection.

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