The Coors Light rail system


What does my four-times-a-week Metro commute have in common with the Coors Light Silver Bullet train? Not much.

This NBA playoffs, that cool refreshing locomotive is motoring its way into every broadcast. Usually the bullet train subs in for some outdoor fantasy commuter train, but this time Coors is going with a system resembling Chicago’s el, though this group of sweaty young professionals could be a stand-in for the Red Line’s eastern leg too.

Some key differences between Metro and the Coors Light Rail system:

Age range

Coors: There is one old guy that looks like Rudy Giuliani in every other shot. Coors thought one non-model should be used in its ad. You know, to outweigh the implausibility of the magical Coors Light beer cap.

Actual: The afternoon Metro commute — which I think the Coors ad is going for, unless they are suggesting we should get hammered before work — certainly has plenty of young people too. Also, throngs of teenagers and plenty of older people. Don’t omit Middle America’s middle-age representation complete with fanny packs and massive National Geographic-grade cameras to get that perfect Lincoln Memorial shot.

Attractiveness

Coors: Why look, it’s a bunch of good-looking public transit riders! And no one is overweight, not even the Giuliani lookalike. At least Coors is fighting the good fight; the perception is that people this flawless would be driving their Audi to work, not melting aboard the 4:52 p.m. to Glenmont.

Actual: What’s the saying? Washington is Hollywood for ugly people. Well, that’s certainly not the case, but I would expect to see more girth, more glasses, more rumpled office clothing, more government name badges and fewer exposed necklines. Guys with gelled hair and exposed chest hair in the Coors ad is accurate, however.

Eye contact

Coors: The one main character (who conveniently has a Coors bottle cap with him — that three-beer lunch pays off again) is salaciously eying a young woman. He seems to be an experienced ogler– it’s not his first such experience.

Actual: Metro riders do whatever they can to avoid eye contact with their neighbors. When people do make eye contact, things get real weird. Exception: Cute little kids will often get strangers talking.

Eating, drinking

Coors: It appears everyone is drinking post Coors Light bottle cap magic, though American law does not allow ads to actual show someone physically swallowing booze. No food on this train, its a cheaper drunk.

Actual: Well, much of the time the ground is covered in sunflower seeds and empty soda bottles on trains. But actual boozing on the train is surprisingly rare.

Fun fact: Drinking on the London tube was legal in 2008. When the practice was banned, a huge party broke out, resulting in arrests and mayhem. To me, this is what any sort of Coors Light drinking train would eventually devolve into.

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