Disparaging District doormen

Editor’s note: Back by popular demand, the crankiest of them all, thesnerd, is back!

If you met me I wouldn’t strike you as a typical club dude. I do, however, happen to frequent these normally obscenely loud, pretentious, douchebearing venues derided so fruitfully in 2007’s Knocked Up (DOORMAN!).

“Check out these jeans bro.  Lucky brand–their washed with real goat saliva. It’s an aphrodisiac.”

My favorite music is rock n’ roll I have one pair of black dress shoes and I get a haircut about every 6 months.  Your boy just happens to like dancing and making a general fool of himself.

“Really? People don’t do the cabbage patch anymore?”

So I’ve been to Midtown, Tattoo, 16th Street Lounge, District, Josephine, Lima and Public Bar to name a few.

The key to any club experience is the absence of jerk-tard, self-important bouncers.  Let’s get serious guys I’m paying $10 per drink in here the least you could do is not act like I don’t exist.  Would it kill you to smile a little?


The worst offenders, probably District and the guys outside Midtown, take their job as preparation for their probable participation in a third-word death squad.  It’s a bar man, not a temple containing the Holy Grail, simply explain there are too many freaking people inside and that we need to wait a second.

“You may be on a list but you are not on the list. Plus you’d probably spend too much money in here.”

The best places, like Tattoo, employ softer-spoken guys that actually believe in customer service.  One bouncer promised two guys a good time or their money back.  When they came back unsatisfied he actually paid out their cover charges.

Now I’m not saying drunk people can’t be obnoxious, horndog, Tool School rejects (yes that was a show) but being polite goes a long way.  If you treat the clientele with respect I suspect they will treat you and your establishment with respect.

“I just told the bouncer I found him curt and intellectually unfit for a role as Lennie from Of Mice and Men.  I think we have to leave now.”

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