Dear D.C. United: I’m sorry


It’s all my fault.

Well, maybe not my fault, but certainly that of people like me. We can go boil in Dupont Circle for the U.S.-England game but we can’t get to one of your games. You are having your lowest attendance numbers and possibly worst on-field numbers ever.

And this despite soccer’s 8348394082349th resurgence! The horror.

But you need people like me. People that are:

1. Into soccer.

2. Have a little money to spend on sports.

3. Proud of D.C.’s home teams.

I am most of these things, what with my FIFA playing, my casual Nationals allegiance and occasional sports attendance. So why have I NEVER been to a United game?

Let's be honest here. This place kind of sucks. From Wikipedia.

Let's be honest here. This place kind of sucks. From Wikipedia.

1. It’s pricey. $23 for a seat in a pretty crappy stadium (sorry Robert)? Nationals tickets can easily be had for $10, the stadium is much nicer, and the players make a lot more money than the fans. This matters. Some United players make $39,000! And the Nationals are one of the best (top 30…at least this year) baseball teams in the world, meanwhile you are a…

2. …Second-tier, third-tier league? Back to the Nationals. Why should I be paying more to see a worse league (MLS)? Unless Becksy is in town, $23 is a wild price to charge. It doesn’t make sense. Don’t you want to get tons of people in there and soak them on beer and food? I’ve watched MLS games on TV; it is not the crisp passing and exciting breaks you see in the World Cup, it is rather disjointed and not as easy on the eyes. The English would call this “diaper league.”

3. Freddy Adu partied at Maryland? Come on United. Take your prodigy to Love the Club or something. Maryland keg parties are straight and all, but do not compare to D.C.’s perpetual $9 beer night. I am convinced this foolish nightlife ploy is what derailed his career.

Look, United, I really want to like you. It’s cool having a soccer team in town, seeing your frumpy hammered fans at Capitol Hill bars and having cursory knowledge of your team. And I don’t want you to move to Baltimore. Heck, you are my neighbor, right down East Capitol. It just wouldn’t be the same. You know what, I’m coming to a game. I’m buying the tickets…

…as soon as soccer blows up in America. I think it’s really happening this time.

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